Would anyone like to give me some advice?
Question:
Now, I just finished writing a narrative essay. It's extremely sad, and I cried while writing it, so I hope it's good. I was wondering if anyone would proofread it for me? I read over it a bunch of times and saw no mistakes, but I may be missing some. I'd greatly appreciate it. :) Make suggestions too, or if something sounds funny...
Here is my essay...
Summer in Texas
It was the end of my 5th grade school year in May of 2004, and I was looking forward to having a wonderful summer before my first year of middle school. Little did I know that all my plans were about to change. Usually, I have a spectacular summer. I’d travel to places, I’d see my friends, and I’d have a fun. However, the summer of 2004 would forever change that tradition and prove to be life changing.
My life changing experience started one day when I came home from school. I walked into the kitchen and I saw my mother crying. I despised seeing her cry. She never cries, so I knew something major must’ve been up. She immediately told me her father, who lived in Texas, was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, and he only had about 3 months to live. I’d always been really close to my family, even the relatives that didn’t live near me, so this really affected me. I ran up to my room and cried until I fell asleep. I loved my Grandpa and I was not ready to lose him for anything.
I knew I was going to lose my Grandpa, but I thought I wasn’t ever going to have the chance to say goodbye. My mother came in my room with my sister, Hannah. She told us we’d be leaving for Texas before school was out for the summer. I didn’t like the idea for I was going to miss my graduation, but I was glad I was going to be able to see my Grandpa one last time. We made a plan that we would leave the following week, driving to Texas.
The following week came quickly. We left early in the morning, saying goodbye to my father, who stayed home. We drove 2 of the longest days of my life. The car was extremely cramped and we continuously had to eat at fast food restaurants. On the upside, we drove through Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma and straight into Texas. My Grandpa lived at the very south part of Texas. He lived in Beaumont. Finally, after two days of driving over two thousand miles we reached his house. It was after midnight, but he was there to greet us. It was early June at this time, and it was extremely hot during the summer in Texas.
The hot days in Texas did not make our lives any easier. We were taking care of my Grandpa day by day. He was still strong at this time and able to go about a semi-normal life. My older brother, David, came home on leave from the Navy. He came to visit so he could help out my Grandpa. My Grandpa owned a green beach house on Crystal Beach. We visited there quite often because he loved it there. He wanted to remodel it so it would be stronger, since it was built in 1960. Those were the fun days we all spent with him. He would watch us go fishing in the ocean, and he’d eat the fish we caught. He’d show us all these wonderful places and take us walking on the beach.
After June was over, I began to miss those days where he’d take us to the beach and fishing. He began getting really weak to where he couldn’t walk anymore. We had to drive two hours to Houston almost every day to take him to M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. They would treat him with chemotherapy, trying to make him live longer. During the month of July, he began to forget the littlest everyday necessities. He forgot how to eat and drink for himself. He forgot where he was, who he was, and why he was there. It was one the most horrible sights I’d ever seen. I knew my Grandpa as a very strong man. He wasn’t someone who enjoyed having people do everything for him.
As my Grandpa became weaker, and we had to do everything for him, we hired a Hospice Nurse, nurse who comes to your house everyday to check on you. She’d visit quite often. It was nearing the end of July by now, and there was no way my Grandpa could do anything on his own. I remember waking up in the middle of the night hearing him in terrible pain. I couldn’t bear to listen to it. It made my heart sink and filled my eyes with tears. Every day, it’d get worse. He’d get weaker, and unable to even move.
I hated seeing him unable to move. I hated seeing the strong man I knew, so weak. It was the beginning of August; we called my father and asked him to fly to Texas. My Grandpa had wanted to see my father the whole summer, but he just wasn’t able to make it down to Texas. My father flew in too late. My Grandpa died on August 8th, 2004 after midnight. My father arrived an hour later. It was horrible knowing that he was just a little too late. My Grandpa had open heart surgery years before this, so his heart was strong enough and made him live longer than he was supposed to. His funeral was days later and we miss him more than anything.
After his funeral, everyone was upset. Everyone was
Sorry! It got cut off.
. Everyone was missing him. He was unlike anyone else. I never knew one summer could change my life so drastically and unexpectedly. My life and my families’ lives are forever changed. My Grandpa will forever be in our hearts.
Thank you guys for your sympathy.
I appreciate you taking the time to read it. :)
Thank you for helping me out everyone!
Answer:
blah for people who don't want to help out >:[
i only skimmed through it, and one mistake i saw was:
"My Grandpa lived at the very south part of Texas"
change very south part to southernmost region/area of texas.
"As my Grandpa became weaker, and we had to do everything for him, we hired a Hospice Nurse, nurse who comes to your house everyday to check on you."
break up the sentence into two parts. for "nurse who comes to your house..." , never use 2nd person pov, "you". change to "nurse who comes to a patient's house..."
i guess there are a few other problems too, but those are the three that I see for now.
ps. it seems very sad.
|
