People, writers, everyone out there, please review this section of my book!?
Question:
Tell me if theres any typo or grammatical error. Note that this is only part of my book not the whole thing so maybe you wont understand. This is the beginning of the first chapter of my book.
Your comments are welcomed!
Alpha
We’ve recently returned from a long vacation in Florida, were my aunt lives. The journey had erased every trace of frustration in my mind, though when I entered the house, the memories immediately went back.
I went to sleep in my room to recover the energies that I had lost from the long trip back to Ohio.
When I finally opened my eyes I felt a warm ray burning my right cheek, it was the sun. I looked at the clock at my left; 7:43 in the morning. I got out of bed and cleaned up the mess in it, which was little.
I took a warm shower, cleaned my teeth and headed for the kitchen.
As I went down the stairs I saw my Grandpa brewing some tea.
“Good morning!” I said cheerfully.
“Hello Cindy, want some tea?” he said to me with an enchanting smile.
“Yeah, sure” I smiled back.
I took the cup with tea and slowly swallowed it. Grandpa began talking about the plans for the day.
“I am thinking of visiting the Stone’s. They moved recently to the neighborhood and I would like to make some friends”.
I could see in his eyes that he was excited about it. My grandpa didn’t have many friends, just like me.
“Are they the ones that lived in Ashtabula?” I asked while I took a zip of tea.
“Yeah, they actually are a couple and people say they are a little lonely”.
“Oh, so are you going today to their house with us?” I started to get pissed just by thinking of it.
He looked at me seriously, and then looked away immediately.
He knew I wasn’t that sociable. And, yes, I wasn’t. I liked silence and peace.
I had had some friends in school and lost them all. Some went out of school, got in trouble and ended in jail. Others started dating early in life and ended pregnant. It was pure hell. Also I had a girl friend in school. I told her that there was a boy who was handsome; just handsome. The next day she had said that I wanted to date him and that I was going gaga for him to everybody in school. Oh! And the time when a friend exposed a secret of mines and I got in trouble with grandma, I had to finally end the relationship.
All of these experiences helped me to see the dangers of friendship.
Though, I had to admit I was indeed lonely.
It was already time for our lonely lives to change.
“Exactly Cynthia” grandpa said, changing his voice from lovely to husky.
“What hour?”
“We’ll go at twilight”
“You mean like at 6:00?”
“Yes” he said while he putted his mug under the freezing stream of water.
“No problem with that” I said quietly.
I left my mug on the counter so he could clean it.
I was planning to spend the morning in the woods behind our house, writing. My grandfather had spread the virus of writing over me. And to be sincere, I loved it.
I had a way to heal the scars of sadness and depression, and it was getting a pencil, my notebook and going into the quiet forest that embedded me in its darkness.
“Papa, ohm, I’ll be in the woods writing, I feel like I have to chillax.”
“Ok, but stay in the safe place, I don’t want you to get in trouble” he said.
“Don’t worry, I will. Oh! And another thing, can I bring Job with me?”
“Yeah that’s a great idea, go get him. I will be in the workshop till three o’ clock.”
The old workshop in which my grandpa used to work now was his new writing place. Here at Cleveland, my grandpa had had awards for best seller novels as well as poems and songs.
“And granny?” I asked.
“She’ll be baking in the house for the Stone family” grandpa said as he walked away and waved me goodbye.
“Ok see you soon!” I waved at him too, while he opened the door of his car and started the engine.
I went running into the house to wake up Job, which had been sleeping more than I had.
I opened the door of his room and banged it into the wall.
I shouted as hard as I could, “Job wake up!”
I suddenly realized that Job wasn’t in the house; he was shopping with grandma in the local supermarket.
That meant I had the woods all to myself. So I got out of the house and walked towards the pines behind our property.
Job and I were still in vacations because it was summer. Still, the air was cold. As I walked to the tall pines there it was; our little sanctuary.
When we were little and still not orphans, grandpa had cut down some pines by half and created a path that lead to the middle of the forest.
I swear that I could hear the voices of the people who made this place a holy place. When I got to the middle of the woods I could clearly see the tree house my grandfather promised Job that he would construct just for him and me.
“It’s your house now Job, you take care of it with Cynthia” my grandfather told him when he finally ended the construction.
I climbed the long forgotten wooden stai
I forgot the rest of it!
stairs, and got into the tree house. There was a seating bag in the floor and a desk. I got out of my backpack my notebook and sat on another chair in front of the desk. Then I let my mind got lost in emotion as my hand moved making letters on a piece of paper.
Tears moisturized my cheeks as I wrote my feelings. But it wasn’t a torture for me; writing was the only way to express myself.
Suddenly I heard movement around the woods. My heart drummed faster than that of a hummingbird. I took a peek from a window that was in front of the desk. I saw a dark shadow, and then it disappeared.
My heart stopped and then continued to pump blood into my veins.
Answer:
Well, the content is not bad, but there are many mistakes in this and some places just feel wonky right now. Try reading it out loud after you work on it. That's a good way to see how things flow.
First off, the vacation to Florida. That point seems to be mentioned, then dropped immediately. What happened on this vacation and what were the energies lost in Ohio? Was that another trip or is that where the character lives? I'm confused.
No need to say 'it was the sun,' that's obvious. 'I felt a warm ray of sun burning my cheek' is tighter. No need to say the clock was on the left. Brushed the teeth is better.
You could give a description of Grandpa. What are Cindy's feelings and relationship with him like? Slowly swallowed tea is wonky, slowly sipped feels more natural. Perhaps describe the taste and smell of the tea or the warm feeling in the throat. Bring the reader into the moment!
The description of the Stones is a little funky. How does Grandpa know they're lonely if he doesn't have friends that would tell him? Perhaps they met at church or somewhere first and invited Grandpa over. I'm not sure why Cindy is pissed.
All the descriptions of friends are unbelievable right now. Perhaps name a few friends she had, then explain what happened to each. Right now it's too much information about people the reader doesn't know a thing about.
Keep editing and reading it out loud. Don't forget to describe things and be in the moment with your characters to bring them to life. Good luck!
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