DID I MENTION YOU'RE AWESOME IF YOU aNSWER THIS? HELP ME WITH MY STORY!!!?
Question:
PLOT:
Greek myths talk about deities who control various domains of life but never once does it mention where these myths cam from. High up on Mount Olympus, live a family who have extraordinary talents. Every day, men arrive at their gates bringing gifts and asking for blessings but never once do they suspect it until Artemis, the young huntress, travels so deep into the forest she reaches the end and arrives at a town where she is horrified to see people at altars worshipping her and her family. The shock that their family has been worshipped for generations is enormous and to prevent any further damage, they go into hiding, traveling far away from Greece as possible.
Twenty-five hundred years later, Anastasia Blake -Asia for short- returns from a three week long archery camp to find her mother with tragic news. Her father, whom she has never met, has died in a car accident, she has a twin brother, and they are going to go and live with him.
Before Asia knows it, she’s being shipped to Ithaca, Michigan leaving New York City without even saying goodbye to her friends. Though feeling betrayed by her mother and determined to be miserable, living in Ithaca slowly grows on her. Her brother, Porter, is friendly, her room is twice the size of her old one, and the school has an archery team. What more could a girl want?
But there is something that is tugging on Asia’s bow. Her brother and his friends, who are all mysteriously part of the exclusive Future Leaders of America Society (FLAS), are keeping a secret. Suddenly turning icy and aloof whenever the subject of FLAS comes up, there is no doubt that Asia’s twin is hiding something but the question is when will Asia realize that the closer and closer she gets to the target, there is no turning back?
EXCERPT:
Chapter 1:
“BE REASONABLE, Asia,” Mom advises-as if ordering me around would suddenly make me feel better about all of this.
“Reasonable?” I roar. “How can I be reasonable when you’re making me move halfway across the country for no reason?”
“Calm down, Asia. It’s not the end of the world.”
“Isn’t it?” I challenge, shoving the contents of my closet into the suitcase.
Mom sits on the double bed in the room that has been my home since, literally, the day I was born. A day ago, my life was perfect…like an arrow hitting the bulls-eye dead center.
Now, I have to quietly pack up my entire life and move more than seven hundred miles for a twin brother I haven’t even met yet.
Sounds like the end of the world to me.
“I know you were excited to start your sophomore year at Woodrow Wilson High with your friends,” she says quietly, “but I think this move will be good for you. New York City is too noisy for a girl who needs to grow.”
“But I don’t need to grow!” I protest, “I’m already taller than you.”
Turning my back on Mom, I quickly fold my denim jacket and place it on top of my suitcase. Everything is packed, including my archery things, but I’m not ready to go yet. Not when my entire world is falling down.
“Mom,” I say, trying to remain as calm as possible, “There has to be another way. Can’t he come here?”
“No,” Mom laughs a sorrowful laugh, “He can’t.”
“Why not?” I ask.
Mom runs her fingers through my hair and pulls me close. “Your brother has gone through some tough times lately. His father, your father, has died. It will be good for him to have a support system already in place instead of starting over again.”
“Are you purposely trying to ruin my life?” I demand, wriggling out of her embrace, jumping off the bed, and turning to face her, my hands on my hips. “What, were you worried that I hadn’t had my share of teen angst already? Scared that I wouldn’t need to see a counselor by the end of the year?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who flew off on a business trip and returned two weeks later, claiming that I have a twin brother who you have thus far conveniently forgot to mention even though you’ve known he was alive and –oh!– we are going to move to Nowheresville, America to live with him.”
“Asia,” Mom’s voice is warning me to stay quiet but by now, I’m on fire.
“How can you not even mention to me that I have a twin brother? How do you live with yourself when you know you’ve separated your two children?”
“Enough!” She shouts.
I stare at her coldly. “You are not my mother because my mother would never keep a secret like that from me.”
Mom stands up and slaps me soundly. “I am your mother, whether you like it or not, and you shall do as I say. Tomorrow, we are moving to Ithaca, Michigan and there is nothing you can do about it.”
My first day back from archery camp and my life is already in ruins.
Answer:
Well, you certainly have imagination and write pretty well--lots of energy.
Here are a couple of things I learned when my book was edited by a very touch editor>
Try to avoid using he said, she replied, she shouts, etc. Instead give the character a "beat"--an action that does that for her. "Mom's voice rose to a shout. :Enough!"
Try to avoid ing ending words: wriggling out of her embrace, jumping off the bed, and turning to face her. Better to say :I wriggled out of her embrace, jumped off the bed, and turned to face her.
What does Mom look like? My mom was so trendy, wearing an off-the-shoulder blouse and black jeans. What does Asia look like? I', so glad I inherited Mom's curly blonde hair--but I always wondered, where did my green eyes freckles come from? Now, maybe I know!
Don't think Mom should slap her. Educated parents don't hit their children any more. She could grab her by the arm and shake her, or hold her shoulders and force her to look at her.
Nuff for now. Good writing!
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