Father's Plea For Help!?
Question:
1/24/09
To all who read this,
My son was born in the month of January and my wife and I had a very unhealthy relationship. I had hopes that with our new member of the family I would be treated more like an adult then I child by her and her family. I was only left alone once during the first two months of his life for one hour and she called me three times. I had also hoped that she and I would not have her family always involved in everything that had happened (being able to make my own decisions). This only made things worse. During this time I had befriended some people who talked to me a lot about my life, one of which was a young woman who my wife thought I was having an affair with. She wanted me to quit the job (that this woman was at) in order to work things out and I saw that it made no difference because she wasn’t involved. It got to the point where I didn’t want to even come home anymore.
I offered my wife to just have her family around less or to move away so that we could stay together and have our own family together. She said that she would never abandon her family. I was miserable and new at this point I could see that things weren’t ever going to change. I did not want to raise my son in a household where he saw me being talked to the way I was. So I started looking for a way out. I wanted to leave at a time when it wouldn’t affect my son emotionally.
My X and I went our separate ways at the end of April and the divorce went through in July. During this time I started to get to know the other woman. I felt bad that my X thought I was committing adultery during the marriage and I felt bad for leaving her at the time that I did, but I felt that it was an important decision I needed to make. I left her with the house, 2 months of my pay checks from my full-time job to her account, while I lived off my part time job, and still giving her extra money for whatever she asked, and left her with my safer vehicle to transport my son. I continued to give her more then what the court asked me to pay (even before they made a child support order). I bought a new car. During this first year of my son’s life, I was only allowed to see him one day a week because my only other day off was Sunday and that was their family day so they wouldn’t let me have them. I could only see him for a few hours at a time because of his strict breast feeding schedule. I called on many occasions to see my son or take him out and was mostly given excuses as to why I couldn’t. With her being a new mother, I didn’t want to stress her out anymore then she already was. We both shared custody of the child but she was his primary residence.
That summer, she hassled me about my car being safe (when she drove a small, regular cab pickup, herself) so I had to get my car inspected and approved by the Camden police.
Shortly after the divorce in July or August, I got permission to take my son to Brunswick for a trip to the cell phone store. We got caught in traffic and were going to be about 45 minutes late for his breast feeding schedule so I called my X wife and she flipped out and drove towards us. So it ended up that he was 15 minutes late for his feeding schedule. Within the next week of two I received a certified letter from my X stating that my being late was unacceptable, psychologically damaging to the child, and child abuse. I talked to my lawyer at the time about the breast feeding issue and he didn’t want to touch it.
Later in September of 2006, my new car broke and I then had to get my other car back that she was using and it needed repairs within the same month to pass inspection. I immediately got pulled over and fined and then shortly after; I lost my fulltime job in November ( I was under review by a manager who was friends with my X who wasn’t happy about the divorce.). I couldn’t afford a lawyer at this time to explain my rights so I didn’t know that I could file a motion for seeing my child, or have my child support adjusted. So I told my X I lost my job and she didn’t say anything. I just figured that because I was so cooperative with her that she’d work with me. I also thought this because within the divorce paper we both had agreed to work things out amongst each other. During this time my son was being baby sat during the day and she was pumping and I asked her if I could spend time with him while I was out of work. Her response was that it wasn’t fair for me to be having fun with the baby while she has to be working. I then offered her to save money paying the baby sitter when he could be with me and she said she had a contract, and that she had to have him there every day scheduled. At this time between feeling completely frustrated and guilty about not being able to provide, I saw my son less and less from this point on. My new car that was broke needed $1500 in repairs and I just simply couldn’t afford it.
In December I bought my other car new tires, a battery,
In December I bought my other car new tires, a battery, and rust work done to pass inspection.
Shortly after that, it was back to the garage with metal shards in the oil. I was then told that it was beyond repair at the end of December.
So now all I had was a small part time no job, and no working car, just bills piling up.
I paid my fine for the inspection sticker on the other car that had died but didn’t realize that entire amount failed to include the reinstatement fee. Around this time she was seeing some one new.
I had no car from that point until my new girlfriend bought an explorer for me to use at the end of January. I immediately got pulled over in the Explorer because I just got it a day or two before and it needed a sticker. That’s when I was told by the officer that my license had been suspended. Then I was fined again for driving under suspension. When I went to get the Explorer inspected it failed and needed $794.47 worth of work.
I tried to make a few attempts to see my son which failed and in March I was supposed to take him out to his grandmother’s house and my X took off with him because she wanted me to show up the day before if I was going to take him out. I called and told her that I could make it the day before, but I’d be late and that didn’t go over. So when I showed up they were gone for a couple of days. I then called the police and they said that they couldn’t do anything with family matters. When I spoke to her later when she got back home, I was told that I couldn’t see him without supervision by herself or her family.
I got a new full time job this month (March) but was very depressed with the way my life was going and ended up getting my first arrest and ever being in Jail (OUI). Then I felt even more ashamed and didn’t talk for a little while to my X again.
As soon as I started to catch up financially, I lost my license in June and had way larger fines to pay. My bills at that point were piled up beyond you can imagine. I car pooled or road my bike all the way from Camden to Rockland to my part time job, to be there from 4:30-9:00 AM, which was about 7 miles, 5 days a week. Then I had to car pool or ride my bike to be at my new full time job from 11AM-9PM from Camden to Belfast which was about 20 miles, 5 days a week. Some days I had to ride my bike to both jobs.
I was struggling financially and was extremely exhausted.
Somewhere between June and July, she married the new person she met and I was served child support papers (from her lawyer she had the whole time) stating that if I didn’t come up with the amount in full that I would have to report to jail. I was completely overwhelmed and any ounce of energy I had was spent. It wasn’t until the end of August that I got my work license.
During this whole time frame the Explorer needed a whole other $760 worth of work. (Rear end blew out and other small problems that added up.) I was so exhausted that I couldn’t keep up trying to work two jobs so I had to quit my early morning part time job in September of 2007. I couldn’t deal with the breaking down of the Explorer’s costs of repairs and gas prices so I needed to find a more economical vehicle. I then had to pay payments on that to have reliable transportation. During this time I also had been issued a contempt hearing court date for January 2008, which then was postponed because I wanted to try to work on the child support.
I realized that I couldn’t keep up with the past amount plus the extra they added on and haven’t seen my son during that year.
About February-March the discussion of adoption came up as a solution to the unpaid child support debt. Her lawyer then told me and to either pay the amount in full, or sign him over for adoption to be forgiven of all past due amounts. So my options at that point where given to me:
A.) Go to jail
B.) Pay the amount in full or payments that I didn’t know could be adjusted. Or,
C.) Sign him over for adoption and be forgiven of all past due debt.
So because I still couldn’t afford a lawyer and had so much other debts that nothing happened from March to July when I got contempt papers again. I felt I had no other choice but to adopt him out. Also the few times my X and I discussed the adoption between the months of March and August, she had promised to still let me see the child and that she mainly liked the idea of adoption so that they could all have the same name.
When I went in for the contempt hearing and the adoption was mentioned, the judge could tell I really didn’t want to adopt him out so she appointed me a lawyer to explain the termination of parental rights.
When I had the meeting I told the lawyer how I did not want to loose my boy but that I felt like I had no other choice and he had mentioned the possibility of adjusting the child support payments. He had also explained the termination papers telling me what happens when I sign it; That I loose all rights to the child. I left that day (and he knew it too) with my mind made up that I wanted my child support payments adjusted or to have the adoption go through but with certain stipulations added by her lawyer, such as leaving his middle name the same as mine and having it written in there, that she still give me permission to see him so many hours a week (because I knew just saying it wasn’t good enough).
I knew I had the contempt hearing the very next day and didn’t want to go without the lawyer this time for the fear that something else would go wrong. I asked him if he could represent me knowing how I felt but he had other obligations. He asked me to ask for a continuance.
So I went to the court and asked for a continuance and was told I needed to drop a letter off explaining why and that it may get approved or may not. When I called later, I found out that it was declined.
So in August when I went to the contempt hearing, in the hallway my X said that she would include me in his life and that their not going to lie to my son about who he is. We discussed how my girlfriend and I would want our kids to know each other and she agreed.
We then entered the court room and her lawyer said that we were thinking about adoption and then the judge asked multiple times, “Are you sure you know how final this is?” and I said yes (thinking I would be served papers to review and sign as my appointed lawyer explained).
So as I was waiting for the papers to go over with my X and her new husband. I visited their house in September. As soon as I arrived, I saw my boy outside with her husband. Shortly after she came out and acted surprised to see me and brought the boy in to the house. That’s when I had a discussion with her husband about my wishes and he told me directly that he wasn’t pretending to be the father and he gave me the impression that they remain in control but still allow me to be in his life. He even told me that he wanted me to be in his life. So I didn’t feel bad about modifying an adoption agreementat that point.
It was in November that I got a notice saying that it was a notice of completion and I was completely confused as to whether it meant they gave the approval for the adoption to go through or had it already gone through. My heart dropped and I instantly called the court appointed lawyer back and offered to hire him to explain this and help me.
He was shocked to see that the contempt hearing had changed to a termination of parental rights hearing, but thought that I was within the 20 days to do appeal. He took all my court papers and went through the files at court to find out that everything was made final that day and that the 20 days had expired to appeal. He called me a week later to tell me that I lost my son just like that, without having to sign anything!!
So between August and November, I still thought he was my son and had that conversation with her husband. After that we had arrangements for pictures and I sent a letter to them about seeing my son for just a few hours here and their, especially on the holidays just so he knows his other family.
He gave his phone number and email to me and was very pleasant. I left messages and emails about seeing him and this past week I got the most horrible letter I could ever imagine (see below):
“
Hi ****,
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you, but it has taken a little bit of time for **** and I to process your phone message from last week and an e-mail I had sent you was returned as undeliverable.
**** is a very happy and secure young boy who is about to go through a major life transition when his baby brother arrives sometime in the next few days. It would be unfair and irresponsible for us to introduce changes to the family structure that ***** currently knows, beyond the challenges of adapting to a new baby brother.
**** has been taught that he is part of a traditional, nuclear family, which is the family structure in which **** and I were each raised. It is also the family structure that we strongly believe is optimal in the rearing of our children. We consider it our parental obligation to maintain the stability and security that has nurtured **** in his childhood development. We are also obligated to avoid placing pressure on him to understand adult situations that he is developmentally incapable of understanding.
Frankly, **** and I were caught off guard by your recent call because the issue of ****’s parenting had been resolved. This past fall, **** was granted sole custody, rights, and responsibilities of **** through your cooperation, and I legally became ****’s father through adoption. When you visited me in the fall, you and I had agreed that **** and I would share pictures of **** with you while **** is young. We had discussed how we would wait until it was developmentally appropriate for him to learn of his biological and any siblings he may have. We still feel this is the best plan of action. We do not plan on discussing any of these issues with him until he is much older.
Thank you,
:**** ****
“
As of the beginning of the beginning of January when this letter was sent he was no older then the age of 2. Between the beginning of January and end of February he’ll be 3 years of age.
We never discussed anything about waiting until he was older and I could never imagine them trying to hide this when they promised otherwise and we’re part of the same small community.
My reply to his letter was:
“
Dear ****,
I felt that you and **** (and **** someday) should know that when I was counseled by the court appointed lawyer regarding the adoption, I was informed that I would need to sign a paper terminating my parental rights. Little did I know that by just agreeing to the idea in court, before a judge, would severe my rights to my child. After that day I didn’t realize it was final then because nothing had been signed. I waited and waited for the final papers to arrive and then I had planned to review it with **** and you before I signed it.
I was going to make arrangements so that I could still see him. I had people telling me that **** and her family were telling me what I wanted to hear just to get this completed. I didn’t believe them. My mother also convinced me that you, ****, were a real family person and would do the right thing. I choose to believe some and discredit others. Judging by the way things have turned out, I was clearly misguided.
I also wanted you to know that because I was waiting for this paper, my timeframe to appeal expired. I went to lawyers to appeal this but my attempt failed and **** will know this someday.
Regarding **** being a stable, young boy; How is it he cannot handle complicated situations when kids in lesser supportive homes can? I am sure you know of kids in circumstances with two families being perfectly happy. Being a little kid isn’t about understanding, but learning to understand. What I think **** won’t understand is why he was kept away from his other blood relatives and has missed out on important life events. That shouldn’t sit well with you and **** and certainly won’t sit well when **** is “old enough” to understand. You yourself were introduced when he was “too young to understand”, but fit in just fine. Basically I want to avoid the all too common situation where **** discovers what you and **** have done and reacts accordingly. This is something I am not surprised to see coming from the ****’s but my mother said things would be different with you.
Another thing I want to know is why having another family that loves him will affect the stability in his life? Also why has **** been taught that he is from a traditional, nuclear family when he is not? I don’t think creating a fake life that you and **** want to fool **** with will work out well in the end. Yes, you are his adoptive father, but the fact remains that I am his real father. I was raised in a nuclear family myself, but just because we all were, doesn’t mean that it is better. **** deserves to live a life based on truths. It is better to have his other family introduced while he is younger and more impressionable and can’t understand. Then he can gradually grow to understand. Rather than be hit with this reality. He deserves all the love that he can get. He is an intelligent young boy that would only be delighted to receive the extra love and affection, plus the extras that go with it.
We will be telling our children about ****. When they see **** in town they will know him. They will see his birthday on the calendar and they will know it. **** and I don’t believe in keeping secrets from our children like these.
“
I may not be in the best shape from a financial aspect but I feel forced into a decision that I really didn’t make. It kills me to run into the other family members or him around the community. I truly love my son and would do anything I can to have my dreams of coloring in books, play with him, hold him, and love him come true.
Thank you to all who have read my letter and if anyone can help me in Maine, PLEASE help me, even if it’s just advice, I’ll take any help I can get!
Thank you again!
Luke
Answer:
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