what do you think of this for a start of a short story?
Question:
It was March 18th, 1999. The night took over like a 90 mile hurricane. The roads were as dark as the dark abyss, while the whistling cold winds swept the earth from side to side. On the road was a yellow BMW. The lights seemed to light up half of everything. As the car was moving it came upon a stop light, and right there was a lime green carvet, with tented windows, a girl sitting in the front seat with a scarf around her head looked at the BMW and raved the engine.
Now, this is where our story begins, but before I tell you this, lets start off a few weeks earlier in a little town call Hammond in Louisiana. In this little town lived a girl named Kelsey. She was 18, just graduated from St. Thomas Aquinas… and dreamed of being free and leaving that small town where nothing happens. She wanted to move to California, go to collage, and become famous, but little did she know what was going to happen once she got there.
THANK YOU PJ M!!
Answer:
Ladybug,
When writing and allowing others to read your work, never accept 'it's good, it's great, Wow! You're a great writer... etc..' This does you or your writing no good. You need work on this piece in my honest opinion.
Here's a little fix you might want to check out.
Quote:
It was March 18th, 1999. The night took over in the blink of an eye, leaving the roads as dark as the abyss. Whistling cold winds swept the earth from side to side and in little dust-devil circles. On the road was a yellow BMW. The lights seemed to light up half of everything in its path.
As the car came upon a stop light, the driver spied a lime-green Corvette. A young girl sitting in the front seat with a scarf around her head looked at the BMW and raved the engine. She gave the driver a wry smile and once again looked forward.
Unquote
Now, take the rest of the story and try to put it in words the same way I have. Try not to get too much descriptive data involved. You want to show the reader not tell what's going on.
Note:
A blink of an eye is faster than a 90 MPH hurricane.
The night was as dark as the abyss. Don't use the same word 'dark' over again.
Just some examples.
I wish you luck in your writing.
PJ M
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