Is this story well written?
Question:
I am 15 and I am working on a story. (This is just a draft of the first part of the story) I was wondering if this story was well written and if you have any critique..I know it's long but I really want some answers! Thanks! :)
Chapter 1
Meg trudged slowly down the front stairs and dropped her last bags at her feet that were filled with her belongings. She faced her Aunt Jess that she was going to be living with until she was a legal adult. This event was unfortunately four more years away. Not that Meg didn’t love her Aunt, she did, and it was just her Aunt’s old Victorian mansion that sent chills running down her spine. Every time she visited her Aunt something weird happened. Either it was the phones ringing wildly with no one on the other line, electrical problems, or doors slamming shut with no one around to close them. Meg didn’t know who or what was causing these problems but she didn’t intend on finding out.
“Let me take your bags out to the car for you,” Aunt Jess said already reaching down to pick them up. She stood up and shook her dark brown curls out of her large eyes. Just like her mom. She turned to walk out but then came to a halt, “I will pull the van around and you can just come out. Don’t forget to lock the doors.”
Meg watched Aunt Jess round the corner to the driveway so she could pull her car around. This was it. She was leaving. Leaving her friends, school, house, and pretty much her whole life. She guessed that it was good for her to be moving to a new town all the way in Murray, Utah. The fewer reminders of her parents the better. It would be so much different from her life in Richmond, Virginia.
Meg noticed that Aunt Jess had pulled the car around. She turned around too look at her vacant house that her parents had left behind when they went out to see a concert two weeks ago and never returned. She took a deep breath and, clutching the house key in her hand, she walked out the door into the fresh Virginia air. Meg gently shut the door and locked it. She lifted the welcome mat and hopped out of the way when a beetle dashed out from underneath it. She dropped the key under the mat and walked to her Aunt’s car with her head down, fighting back her tears.
As Meg approached the car she opened the silver door and tossed her red Roxy purse onto the soft passenger seat. She climbed in and buckled her seatbelt but before the seatbelt was locked into place Aunt Jess was already on her way out of the neighborhood. It was like she didn’t want Meg to take her last looks at her neighborhood and start bawling her big blue eyes out. Aunt Jess wasn’t very good at handling tears.
Meg’s eyes shot toward the window. She preferred to see her town for the last time until she turned eighteen. She planned to move back after she graduated from college.
“Well, are you excited to be starting a new life in Murray?” Aunt Jess asked awkwardly asked as she drove them to the airport. They were going to fly out in Kentucky so it would be a couple of hours.
Meg shrugged, still looking out the window. She didn’t want to miss seeing on strand of grass. “Sure, if you like trying to meet new friends, a new house, and a new town,” she said a little too sharply.
Aunt Jess sighed, “You will really like Murray. It has a great middle school, great people. Plus, your Uncle Taylor is very excited to see you,” Meg saw her Aunt look at her from the corner of her eye.
“I’m excited to see him too,” Meg managed a half smile. Meg remembered her Uncle Taylor. He was so bubbly and full of life every time she saw him. He had a bald head, yet, he was only thirty-five. Uncle Taylor loved the outdoors and football. He had taught Meg how to play when she was only eight. With all the practice with her Uncle she was almost as good a player than some of the guys at her old school. Uncle Taylor was a great handyman, but, he didn’t have a job as one. He had retired as a doctor with millions of dollar just two years ago. Man, she loved her Uncle.
After five minutes of awkward silence, Meg pulled out her iTouch that she had gotten from all of her friends for her birthday last year. They had all chipped in just a little bit to buy the iPod and stock it up with all of her favorite songs, pictures, and shows. She scrolled through her song collection of David Archuleta and all of her other favorite singers until she found a song she was in the mood to listen to. She stuffed her headphones into her ears and blasted the song “Merry Happy” by Kate Nash.
Watching me like you never watch no one
Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum
Cause I know that you did
Cause your friend told me that you liked it
Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down
Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very
Answer:
Hm... I like it. Even though there are some grammatical errors and run-ons, as mentioned before, it's very interesting.
However, you may want to add a little more detail. It seems kind of bland, and you don't add sensory images into it. Then again, I guess you don't need to. Also, you should try and not drag it out; unless of course, this is a slow-paced story- then it's fine. Just make sure you're adding something that'll keep the reader's attention, because it's a little boring (not from my personal perspective, because I like your writing style, but most people prefer action/mystery right away. But, it's your story, and it also depends on who this is directed to!).
Overall, I like it. Keep going.
|
