Would you ever read this story?
Question:
I'm 13 and I'm writing a story. I don't have a title yet. Here's the beginning:
Melanie Wright stumbled off her private jet, dazed. She squinted into the familiar sunlight and frowned.
“What’s wrong, pumpkin?” her father, Daniel Wright, asked. He was the Daniel Wright, the most popular record producer in the U.S.
“This isn’t L.A. Where are we?”
Daniel cleared his throat. “Redding,” he said quietly.
“’Scuse me?” Melanie snapped. “What did you say?”
“We’re in Redding, California, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll find it . . . very familiar,” Daniel said.
I could so use a hot stone massage right about now, she thought.
Melanie looked around for a minute. “OHMYGOD!” she exclaimed.
“What is it?” Daniel asked.
“This is where Mom lives, isn’t it? Why are we here?”
Daniel sighed. “Well, your mother called me a few weeks ago. She really wants to see you again. And besides, I think you could use time away from Hollywood. It’ll do you good.”
Melanie could not believe this. Ever since her parents had gotten divorced ten years ago, she’d always lived with her father. Her mom, Justine, had never called her, not once. And her new movie, Adventures of Ruby Buxton, had just come out. What about the premieres? What about the press? What about the interviews?
“Dad,” she began, “this is so totally unfair. Mom abandons me and I have to visit her? Why couldn’t she visit L.A. for a week? We could have gone to the gym and Starbucks and seen my movie just for fun.”
Daniel looked at her sympathetically but said nothing.
Melanie grabbed one of her Louis Vuitton suitcases and rolled it to the limo that was waiting for them. Her father carried the rest.
Once they’d gotten comfortable, Melanie looked out the window and watched the trees pass by in a blur. She let the tears finally escape.
Justine’s house was larger then Melanie had imagined. It was painted beige. It had a two-car garage with a long driveway. It was about three stories high. And from what Melanie could tell, there was a lake in the backyard, with a small deck connected to it.
Justine was sitting on the front steps, drinking a glass of iced tea. Her hand was shaking.
As soon as she saw the luxury car approaching, she sprang up from her seat and bolted towards it with her arms waving in the air like a mental patient trying to free themselves from a straight jacket.
“Melanie! Daniel!” Justine yelled.
Melanie slipped on a white cashmere tank-top over her silk cami and smoothed her hair. She wanted to at least look presentable, to show her mother how well her father had raised her.
The limo stopped and Justine opened the door on Melanie’s side. Before Melanie could even give her the once-over, Justine pulled her into a giant bear hug. “Honey, I’ve missed you so much,” she cooed.
Melanie rolled her eyes. Miss me? she thought. How could she even possibly miss me? She didn’t even know me.
Justine smelled like a mixture of fish and clean linen. It was the strangest combination Melanie had ever come across.
Justine finally let go and Melanie looked her up and down. She had frizzy red hair but her face was so perfect, it looked like it had been air-brushed. She was tall and a little on the skinny side.
“You look so beautiful, Mel,” Justine said, “and so grown-up.”
Melanie smiled proudly. “I’m turning sixteen next month.”
Daniel chuckled. “I’m sure your own mother knows your birthday.”
“Whatever, Dad.”
“Of course I know your birthday,” Justine retorted. “July twenty-third is my favorite day of the year.” She smiled. “I’ve been wanting to have your birthday here in Redding for a long time.”
Melanie sighed. She didn’t want to think about the past.
Daniel kept quiet.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go inside,” Justine offered.
She was already walking towards the front door before Daniel or Melanie could answer. They followed.
Answer:
Seems very shallow to me. Let me guess: this is your fantasy, right? XD
Anyway..it's just dull. OMG. She's the girl who has everything! A famous actress at only 16?? HOLY CRAP! A private jet! Wow! Spoiled little brat? Typical.
This is just so terribly..I dunno what the word is, but it's lame. No one wants to read about a girl who has everything. Hopefully she'll have some MAJOR flaws. Maybe lose everything she had and learn to love her mother again.
I will try to guess the plot right now. She's super spoiled and rich, but sweet, right? She's famous and loves, she'll meet some guy who isn't famous, he'll teach her to be nicer, blah blah. She'll end up loving her mom again in the end and her parents will get back together like in the Parent Trap. Come one. Bleh..
On the plus side, your writing is above average for a 13 year old. So good job there.
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